Category Archives: Satire

Triathlete Resolutions vs. Reality

The new year is a great time for new beginnings. It’s time to break bad habits, and make this the best year ever. As with every facet of life, we have resolutions for our triathlon season as well.  Just like the eager early year gym goer, who gives up by Feb, our best intention-ed resolutions fall away into the road side ditch.

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Here’s some well meaning resolutions versus reality for most triathletes.

  • Resolution: This year I will do less racing!
  • Reality: I’ll cut out that hot/hilly/expensive race that I didn’t PR. The other ten races were enough.
  • Resolution: I am going to do more swim training! (If I had a nickel for everytime…)
  • Reality: I was getting to the pool way more, until I realized, swimming is only 18% of my race. I can only save like a minute with all of this extra training. I’ll just run more instead. 
  • Resolution: I’m going to train less, and spend more time with the family!
  • Reality: I just saw my training partner’s plan and I need to increase my training 20% to keep up. I can’t let him/her get faster than me. 
  • Resolution: I’m going to clean up my diet!
  • Reality: I’ll only have 6 pancakes after my long run, instead of the IHOP endless stack. (Yumm Pancakes!)
  • Resolution: I’m not going to drink, I’m going on the wagon!
  • Reality: You cross the line at a 5k/10k/HM/Marathon, and the first thing you ask, “Where’s the beer tent?
  • Resolution: I’m going to do more strength and core work!
  • Reality: I don’t want to bulk up, and go over my ideal racing weight.
  • Resolution: I going to stay injury free!
  • Reality: It only hurts when I run fast.
  • Resolution: I’m going to hire a coach!
  • Reality: Do you see how much they charge? I’ll get new race wheels instead, that’ll make me faster.
  • Resolution: I’m going to volunteer for a race!
  • Reality: If I have to get up that early, I’m going to race * Consider keeping this resolution as races always need volunteers, and you will have a great time.

I know these are just generalizations, and none of these will apply to you.

What are your triathlete resolutions, and how do you plan to keep them?

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Sexy in Lycra Part III

Welcome to Part III of the Sexy in Lycra and other benefits of triathlon series. (Part I, Part II) This time we will discuss the different species of triathletes that dwell in our community. As you read through the list, don’t be surprised if one of these species of triathlete is you.

 

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1. Fuel Belt Batman 

Fuel Belt Batman stalks the local jogging paths, equipped for any situation that may arise. Extra water in little tiny bottles? Check. 16 gels holstered neatly?  Check. Cellphone, Tazer, Can Opener, and Pocket Fisherman? Check. Fuel Belt Batman may be only be running three miles today, but he is ready for action. After the run, the Fuel Belt can double as a Dive Belt.

 

2. Amateur Al Roker Al-Roker-900-600

Amateur Al’s race is still ten days away, but he insists on trusting the long range forecasts. He has consulted ten weather sites, poured over the data, and has determined that the worst weather since Noah built the Ark, will happen on race day. Don’t buy into the hype. Like most weathermen Amateur Al is only right 30% of the time.

 

3. Robo Athlete (Cousin of Fuel Belt Batman) 

Robo Athlete’s motto is “if I can’t track it it didn’t happen.” He/she can been seen on the bike with a bike computer, power meter, gps watch, iphone app, heart rate monitor, and maybe a portable weather station. When Robo Athlete gets back to his lair, he analyzes the data for hours. Formulates complex excel sheets to explain the 5 watts missing from his normalized power. Could the cause be the weight of all of the devices?

4. Age Group Result Stalker AGRS

“Hi I’m Joe, and I’m an Age Group Stalker.” The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The Age Group Result Stalker (AGRS) lurks among us. They look like normal people, but they hide a dark secret. Before and after each race they obsess over age group results. The AGRS will stalk the Athlinks profile of all the racers that finished before them. They will keep a mental FBI  style folder on each of those people for future reference. Next time you meet someone new at the start line, they may already know everything about you.

5. Mid-Pack Sprinter Pipped

The finish line is 200 yards away, and you are getting the pose ready for that perfect finish photo. Just as you are about to cross the line, the guy you passed walking half a mile ago, comes by in a full sprint, and collapses after the line. You just got Mid-Pack Sprinted! He could not let that dream of 37th place go. I know we are all out there to race, but if you aren’t sprinting for the podium, be cool, and let others have their moment at the finish line.

 

Like this post? Check out Sexy in Lycra Part I & Part II

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Energy Gel Sommelier and Other Side Benefits of Triathlon Part II

In the first post on the added benefits of triathlon, I talked about looking sexy in lycra, and sweet tan lines. There are so many additional benefits I didn’t list, that I decided to make a Part II. There may be some people on the fence about triathlon, and the a collection of distance stickers wasn’t enough to get them to dive in. So here are some more “tidbits of awesome” about triathlon.

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1. Get up super early – You feel guilty when you don’t get up before the sun. Everyone knows that pool swims only count when they are finished before 6:30am. You have a four hour ride planned for Saturday, and your significant other is complaining about you training too much.. What do you do? Leave at 5 am and hope to make it back before they get up.

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2. The world is your buffet – At the Mexican restaurant you order the Mucho Loco Burrito with an extra side of guacamole. The others at the table look in horror as you demolish the entree meant for three people. You look up and say, “It’s cool, I’m in the peak of my training cycle”, and then wipe the cheese from your chin.

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Gel Buffet

 

3. Energy Gel Sommelier – The average palette can’t discern the slight nuisances of the Powergel orange from the Gu mandarin, but you can. Your heightened awareness of these differences comes from years of consumption of these slimy delicacies. You would rather bonk than slam down that wrong brand being offered on the course.

 

4. Ability to time illness one week out from your “A” race – You never get sick. You are healthy as a horse. People in the office are going home weak with the flu, but you superior immune system is kryptonite to viruses. That is until the taper period of your most important race of the season. A week out from the race you are in bed sore and aching, wondering how you are supposed to race in 5 days.

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5. Calf Sleeves – I may offend some here, but calf sleeves are nerdy. They are essentially tall socks with no feet. From the amount of people wearing them, you would think there was an epidemic of calf muscles exploding before their invention. Triathlon is no fashion show. If you really need the super calf support, buy the brightest neon ones you can find, and rock that kit.

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6. Get clipped – There are two types of cyclists; those who have fallen over in the parking lot while still clipped in to the pedals, and those who will. It happens to everyone. You get those brand new clipless pedals and shoes, pull in to the parking lot at the end of the ride, slow down, and proceed to fall over like a tipped cow. Don’t be embarrassed. Laugh it off, as everyone else on that ride has done the same thing at least once. Welcome to the club!

 

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7. A bike more expensive than your car – After years of hard training, you will decide that training is too time consuming and difficult. Forget training on the bike, go and buy some speed. You walk into the bike shop, and there it is. A beautiful carbon fibre rocket ship of a bike. Once you astride this piece is speed sculpture, PR’s will fall, and the road will submit to your will. On the way home from the shop you look at your ’03 Subaru, and realize the blue book value of your car, is less than that new bike purchase.

The car will seek revenge. On the way home from a race, you pull into the driveway headed for the garage, and forget your bike is on the roof rack. The car will let you drive into the garage, while your bike is smashed against the top of the garage.

 

 

 

 

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Sexy in Lycra & Other Added Benefits of Triathlon

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Triathlon is not just about getting exercise and and some fresh air. It goes much deeper than that. Sure training and racing will get you fit, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. Here’s a list of the awesome side benefits of triathlon, you may not have realized.

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Awesome Tan – All of those training rides and runs basking in the sun will turn you into a bronze god. That is where you are not covered by your tri gear. Your tri shorts will provide cover for a distinct tan line between your pasty upper thighs, and then rest of your tan legs. Try varying your tri short length for the rainbow effect.

Comfortable in Lycra – You may be apprehensive, when first sporting your lycra training gear. You might try covering up with gym shorts, or bring extra clothes to a ride. This is short lived. Soon you will be rocking your lycra like your favorite pair of jeans. Lycra to the grocery store? Sure. After ride coffee shop? No problem. Church? Why not. Soon, you will wonder why everyone else doesn’t realize the comfort and awesomeness this magical textile.

Sexiness – All of this training and racing will have you tan and fit. You’ll be tight like a tiger, and ready to pounce. Well, you’ll be ready to pounce if it is before 8 pm, because you need to be in bed by 9 pm for a 5 am 4 hour ride in the morning. Maybe you want to wait until after the next big race,  so you don’t interfere with your recovery.

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New Set of Friends – Triathlon is a great community. During your journey of training and racing you will make some great friends, who share a similar passion for life. They will be slightly more type A than you, and be happy to train with you if it fits in their highly regimented plan. There’s nothing better than chatting on a long ride or run with a friend. At some point during that workout your friend with pick up the pace, ruining your LSD pace, and hammering you into a shell of yourself. Thanks friend.

 

Healthy Lifestyle – Racing tris will lead you to a healthier lifestyle. You will be getting regular exercise, and watching your diet. This will last until you decide who want to go faster. Then, you will up your training volume way too quickly, and eventually get injured. You may find yourself in the doctor’s office on a Monday with a searing pain in your foot. Here’s how the conversation will go:

Doc: “How did you even walk in here? Your foot is in bad shape”

You: “It only hurts when I run”

Doc: “Well the only cure for this is rest”

You: “That’s cool. I don’t have another hard run planned  for two days. Is that enough rest?”

Doc: Speechless -gives you a look of bewilderment and disappointment.

 

Triathlon Badge – You are taking on new challenges and setting big goals. You want to share your goals and achievements with others. Soon everyone will know you are a triathlete, because that is all you talk about.

IM Los Cabos http://www.ironmanloscabos.com/
IM Los Cabos
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Family Vacations – Triathlons are held all over the world, and in some pretty sweet locales. You want to bring the family along to support and cheer you on. They are excited because they get a free trip out of the deal. Then you wake them up at 4:30 am on race morning, and they have to deal with your anxious, cranky pre-race mood. The rest of the race they get to stand in the (heat/wind/freezing temps/bugs) on the side of the road, so they can cheer you on for :45 secs of a two hour race.

Invest in Yourself –  In life, the best investment you can make is in yourself. This is what you will tell yourself, when shelling out a two months salary on a new Tri bike. Now,you will just need to explain this logic to your significant other.

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Car Rear Bumper Hall of Fame – As you progress through longer distance races, you can add the distance stickers to your rear bumper. You might start with a 13.1, then a 26.2, maybe a 70.3, and a 140.6. Soon enough your rear bumper can be a hall of fame to your triathlon career. The soccer mom in the SUV behind you will be so impressed.

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